Kryptonite

I don't know what's up with me but it can't be right me blogging twice consecutively. Who knows this may never get published and it may sit in my drafts forever, on the other hand by the end of it I may have learnt something about myself. At this moment in time I haven't got a clue at all!

Something has been playing on my mind recently. Ive just started playing a game free from the Playstation store that a few of my mates have decided on playing, how long it lasts exactly I am not sure but for now were playing it. The game is about superheroes and villains, you select your powers and traits which will help you overcome the evil in those who set out to create chaos within the world. Now everyone knows that it isn't as simple as the hero being that good they easily put the wrongs in the world right, otherwise where would the sense of danger and adventure be in that. Every superhero has a weakness which stands to make his or her life a lot more difficult and in some way in our everyday lives we are the same and have varying weaknesses. For some it may be chocolate, others alcohol and in some cases other people. Even superman was effected by kryptonite. It made him weak, it clouded his judgement. What's your kryptonite?
I think for me I'm starting to come to terms with what mine is.

My last post was kind of venting a little steam and I didn't realise what exactly or why I was venting it. It just happened. My weakness, I believe, is the need to feel significant. As I mentioned in prior posts I have only just started to rebuild bridges with parents for leaving me. I guess I felt as if I wasn't someone worth sticking around for when actually I just wanted to be noticed. It seems as if that each time I feel low its due to not feeling wanted by people who I want to have a significant impact on. Everyone in reality that has been let in close enough has decided at some point to leave or push me away. Maybe its just something I'm doing I don't really know. The one person that has never left me in the lurch is my Grandad, but unfortunately he's no longer here to guide me through them tough times. When I get left in the lurch I go into free-fall, all the feelings in the past flood back. Unwanted anger builds and it can't be dealt with. I am getting better at dealing with it but in all honesty it is like a volcano about to erupt and trying to control it is extremely taxing on both the mind and body. I go silent, may lash out, I can be quite unpredictable and the whole rebuilding process starts again, however I do always find myself coming back to the same poem, that little thing that reminds me that the high's which I have fallen from can be reached again with a little bit of a leg up.

One night I had a dream

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord

and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,

one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that many times along the path of my life,

there was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest

and saddest times in my life.

This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,

you would walk with me all the way,

but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life

there is only one set of footprints.

"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,

you should leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,

I love you and I would never, never leave you

during your times of trial and suffering.

"When you saw only one set of footprints,

it was then that I carried you."

If I'm not telling you I'm certainly telling myself, keep picking yourself off the floor, Its not how many times you fall its how many times you get back up.

Ciao x

you must be mistaken..

Well i guess most of the people that follow my have written a good one or two pieces since my last so I guess it would only be polite of me to weave my thoughts into words for your pleasure.

Since writing last I have had a few bits of work to hand in on my uni course. These are yet to be returned to me so I don't know how well or poorly I have done on them. I feel like I did work a lot harder than I usually do on assignments but then again, I am paying out my arse for this so only makes sense to give it my undivided attention but hopefully the work pays off because now I am starting to feel as if PA is the place i want to have a fruitful career.

The course is stepping up now with the next unit getting into applied work within the field of performance analysis, hands on work, not looking at journals but being in pressure cooker situations. I feel that I work best in that sort of situation, I like to believe I'm the type of person that when push comes to shove will stand up and be counted for, will make a decision when others are afraid of failing. I have failed at enough things in life already to realise that should never get the better of me. A person that never makes mistakes becomes stagnant as they are always doing what they have always done. People who make mistakes learn and grow as individuals striving not to mess up as they have previously. A mistake isn't an opportunity to be shouted at or scolded, but an opportunity to excel and develop as a person. Im looking to make my inevitable mistakes at Port Vale FC, CV sent for an internship and waiting on a reply. Fingers crossed.

I have never really told anyone apart from a select few but under the chatty, loud, obnoxious exterior, Im quite a self conscious person. I don't have much self belief in my ability intellectually when it comes to academic work. Im not always confident in what I put forward. All the way through my life to this point, in my head anyway, I feel as if i have been doubted. My ability through school seemed to always be undervalued by teachers and peers, with me being seen as the one who mess around. Don't get me wrong I wasn't the worst by a long way but its as if by them undervaluing me I had to make up for it in some other way. By being loud, obscene and in some ways outspoken and actually quite rude. Maybe just a case of short man syndrome I don't really know.

Then theres the whole parental incident, I wouldn't call it an abandonment but at the time and on occasions now it does feel like it and I am quite resentful and if I'm honest probably still hold it against my parents. It was the summer I left school and my Dad decided he wanted to move to Spain with my step Mum. I didn't have a problem as I felt old enough to deal with things as a young man, but actually not being able to see your old man for a couple of years takes its toll on you. When you need that son to Dad talk and all you have is the phone you do feel a sense of helplessness. At that point in time I didn't really felt left at all. The A bomb actually dropped when one day my own mother phones me and tells me that we have to sell everything in our house because she's moving to Spain, a couple months into my 2nd year college course. Not even a word spoken about me going with her, not a thought about me and how I would feel and within a week or two she had fled the country. At that point I was lost and really did feel like no one had faith in me and no body wanted to stick around. In a sense I'm thankful for my close friends (Quinny, Jake, Joe and Sam) who really were at that point in my life my family. In a way I was kind of adopted. By a very kind hearted family. They treated me as if I was there own child. I would't say I was was happy to be in that situation, more thankful.  My Dad did return, but I felt I didn't want to be around him as much because of how everything panned out. My mum came back to England as well but luckily i had this adopted family and by that time was away at uni. There was a kind of hatred there, maybe thats a bit of a strong word but it felt like that. I vowed to myself I would never again live under my parents rule or roof again. Not going to lie bridges were burnt through that period and in all honesty haven't been anywhere near rebuilt yet, but I guess if you look back too much you will get stuck in the past. I am thankful to that family and one person for helping me evolve into the person before you today. When the last bit of hope your holding onto slips away, thats when your lost! unfortunately for me that did happen and I was in a bit of a dark place when that happened. I wasn't really close to my family any more, even though still best of  friends, I felt I had drifted from the mates close to me and I no longer had even an adopted family.....

Fast forward 6 months later and I'm  as happy as can be, I feel as if once again I could conquer the world, I feel like my uni mates are closer than they have ever been and even though I'm away from Blackpool I do feel like I have better contact with those by the sea. I have the perfect platform from which I feel I can spring into the sky and reach anything. I have the best girlfriend ever, who I adore and love. I know its mushy  and quite sad but i never thought after events gone by that a person could make me feel like this. :D At times we make mistakes and may think its the end of the world. But trust me theres happier times on the horizon, events in the past are there for a reason, but we, you, us are better than that because we've experienced our downfalls. we've grown into a greater individual through these downfalls.....that's why we make mistakes!

Ciao x

Permission to speak please?

Im just going to type and see where this goes......Well the last few weeks have been interesting to say the least. I have found myself a place to stay in Crewe with an aquaintance I know from the MMUC boxing club from last year. I wouldn't call him a close friend at all but sometimes a man got to do what a man got to do! I don't dislike the guy at all, I just don't feel as comfortable around him as I am with others. My other two housemates seem alright, ones a fiery Latino who seems to have her up and downs but when shes got a cob on JEEEEESUS don't we all know about it! The last housemate is probably the one I connect with the most. An older student, infact nearly 10 years my senior, but I feel the most comfortable with him. Conversations have two way paths, input from both sides and can get quite interesting which is something a little desirable when the other two are concerned.

I have a room and all that and my stuff is unpacked but I don't feel settled. I spend a lot of time round at my mates or girlfriends houses as I find a safehaven when with these people. There are two ethnics I am missing alot though, after spending alot of tim e over the last 3 years with. The Asian and the Blackman. They won't mind me saying that honestly! but yeah I do kinda miss the chilling, the banter and all the other little aspects of having such people around you, who understand you near enough 24/7.

 I still don't feel as if the house is partly mine and after having resided in the place for three weeks I have yet to take a shower or bath there or brush my teeth in that sink! I usually go workout at my gym when I want a wash. Seems strange I know! It kind of makes me want to get in the gym and workout which I have been reluctant to do in the past, however after missing 3 days in the gym in 3 or 4 weeks, im starting to feel quite good about myself. I mean I haven't got the body of some Godly figure but I am starting to enjoy seeing the improvements to my funny shape. Hopefully the missus is too!

This week has been event filled you could say. There does seem to be one place that I am settling into and slowly getting into the swing of things with and thats at Uni. Im starting to really get a full flavour of what my future career is going to be like and what to expect. Not going to be easy but at the end of the day nothing gets handed to you on a silver spoon. Well not for the majority of us anyway! On Thursday I met the man who brought my career (and thats what im going to call it now) into the sports industry. The one and only Mike Hughes, The grandaddy, the daddy mac, the Don of performance analysis. During my undergraduate degree this was just a name that I regularly heard being thrown around in Performance Analysis lectures. A name seen on near enough every PA  journal artical and book ever published, but on Thursday I met the face behind the sacred name. A short fat scouse bloke who looked very ordinary until he spoke. He had a certain Aura??? about him. He was one of them people you consider a fountain of knowledge, someone who could hold your attention with his vast storytelling and jokes. Quite frankly he was off his FUCKING rocker but it was a privilage to meet such a man. The big fat juicy bonus at the end of this weeks engaging lecture was the great mans email address so I can add him on facebook....Only joking but he did give it us to contact him if we required any help at all regarding PA. To you lot it may mean nothing but to me its ...well ...kind of a big thing!

Yesterday was a brill day. I don't know why but two days ago I got a random phonecall off my old man. or Pootache as me and Fisher call him. I had previously told him about my uni course and that I was struggling due to the work we all do is on apple macs and I have no idea how to use them. A bit of a worry as the majority or jobs within the PA sports industry revolves around the apple mac system. I hadn't complained or asked or moaned about falling behind due to my fixed microsoft ways but my Dad phoned me up and mentioned the computers again on the phone. He said I will need one anyway so decided that he was going to transfer the money into my bank for a brand new shiney Apple Macbook pro. I haven't really had chance to play on it yet but I am extremely greatful to big Steve for his kind donation! I know that you will have to go a while without some cash for this gift and the hope that it will help me in my studies and career aspirations. DONT WORRY I WONT LET YOU OR ANYONE ELSE WHO BELIEVES IN ME DOWN!

Well I think its time for me to zip it anyway as I have blabbered on for a long time now. Seems like a very interesting path we ( I ) have found myself walking down but all I can do is embrace the change and obstacles which are put in the way in the marvellous life of me.

A very relevant line from a film which myself and Jake were speaking about. "Its never finished, It will never be finished, Its constantly evolving"

If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you always got!

Ciao xx

Sat Nav needed...

Things have changed, drastically! My life has moved on but I feel uncomfortable with it. I feel like the outcome of my life is depending on more people and even though I consider myself to be a control freak I don't feel in control anymore, I don't like the feeling. I feel lost with no sense of direction. A loose cannon. The one person who has never let me down isn't here no more. At times my own parents have turned their backs on me and left me to 'sort myself out' Left the country with me being a second thought. Not nice but when what else can you do besides crack on? There is that one person who has always had faith in me, always been there, never ever ever let me down. And now when I need them in this moment of despair, there not there. I miss you so so much and would do anything to have you back in my life right now. I love you so much and I knew I could do anything no matter what people thought or how much they doubted me. I will never forget you, without you I wouldn't be the person I am today....

And what a crazy weekend that was...

Well where to begin? The last few days have been a little mad and frantic to say the least. It was that one weekend in the year where teams from all over congregated at the annual Bispham Juniors Football Federation tournament. Apparently the club I coach at holds the largest tournament in Europe for grassroots football, with over 350 teams participating throughout the 3 day event. Having had a gruelling 5th week at Birlow Soccer Camp I decided that Saturday would be spent 'relaxing' having a good old mong day doing nothing but place a few bets and watching the football scores roll in. I was actually supposed to be at the event on Saturday however didn't as I was in desperate need to recharge my batteries.

For some reason I woke up with the intentions of making the Sunday a memorable day and had a taste for alcohol early in the morning while seeing a cheeky offer on Budweiser at Tesco's on the way to the tournament. I decided against buying them and drinking through the day and spent my day mainly on a stall called beat the keeper. Kids and adults would pay one of the Queens finest pounds to take 3 penalties against a goalkeeper in 7 a side goals. That lucky keeper was me! If the player was able to score 3 out of 3 penalties they would double there money and in return get 2 quid. 2 out of 3 meant the players money was refunded and had the opportunity at another 3 attempts. score less than 2 and the money went into the clubs coffers!
I spent a good four hours in goal diving around putting my body on the line. After all the diving around it was suggested that me and a few close friends went to the pub for a quiet couple of drinks. In my head there was only going to be one outcome. TOWN!

so we went to the Hoar's Bed casually drank for a few hours. Everyone after a little Whitters persuasion decided while the pub had closed the night was still very young and we headed into town after a few poses by a push bike and basket recreating a very famous scene from a film about an extra-torresterial. Many funny things happened that night including me throwing up on a friend, eating the wrong order in the takeaway and meeting a friend who had just walked away from the casino with 1400  pounds and ending the night with a fiver after indulging in expensive bottles of champaign in Revolution.

Having been carried away with the night 4am soon rolled by and we needed to be up in 4 hours as it was the day of our teams tournament journey. As a coach I feel very blessed to have such a talented bunch of players and great group of lads. I have watched these young lads develop from their very first steps in football, having coached a lot of them since the age of 5 and 6 to where they are now (aged 9 going on 10). In a sense I do feel like an older brother to all of them, something which is quite strange to me being an only child but in a good way, in another way I feel I have the responsibility as a male role model for them with a few being unfortunate through no fault of their own to have an absent father. In a way I imagine that's what being a dad feels like shallowed down, Im still too young in my opinion to even consider the thought of a child, but im sure I was just as proud as each parent stood there in the rain today.  I enjoy teaching them what I know about the game I love. Many of my players will go on to have a far greater ability to play the game then myself but hopefully in years to come they will look back on there early experiences of football and will remember the part I have had in their development as not only players but also young people. Each individual brings something different to our squad, whether it be a mature head on young shoulders, brutal physical strength, flair and natural talent or the ability to produce at times outrageous banter. Especially for 9 and 10 year olds! There is a special bond there between all our coaching team and the players. The coaches go through every up and down with the boys whether it be success or disappointment.

Today I witnessed our blues team narrowly miss out on qualifying for the knockout stages having looked strong in the early stages. The whites team however did manage to progress, both teams playing a high standard of football beyond their chronological ages. The whites progressed through to the semis after a nail biting penalty shootout which would see us pitted against one of our rivals in the local area, YMCA. Amazingly after going a goal behind our captain inspired the rest of our team to fight back ending the game 2-1 winners going into the final of our own tournament.After a close 15 minutes the teams were locked at 0-0 and went into yet another penalty shootout for the trophy. Unfortunately we were beaten from the spot on this occasion and there was a few sad faces at the end of the game and the players that missed did need a reassuring arm around them, but as in all things in life you dust yourself off and go again. There is no doubt in my mind that these boys can go on to be very successful on and off the pitch. WELL DONE TO ALL MY PLAYERS TODAY YOU WERE OUTSTANDING. I for one am very very very proud of each and everyone of you!

What an eventful weekend... 

Ciao x

And so it begins...

Well after a failed first attempt at 'blogging' I have brought myself to give it another go but this time it won't be about my failed adventure in football gambling, its all about me and the next series of events which are about to unfold in my life. So if it goes endless weeks without a post something has most probably gone tits up and I could well be dead. Hopefully everything will go in a positive direction and we don't need to worry about the possibility of that coming to fruition.

well in recent months there has been massive change in my life. I will start where things took a turn for the worse. At first it looked as if the landslide wouldn't stop and as things seemed to keep knocking me down and it looked as if they would never take a turn for the better. The slightest things seemed to knock me off balance and put me in an uncontrollable spiral. The simplest task seemed like a mountain to climb. At one point, I very nearly threw in the towel and gave up. If you know me, little things don't usually bother me and I am able to pick myself up in my own time, only this time it looked and felt as if I wasn't going to stagger back to my feet. By throwing the towel in I meant I was going to give up on my degree. It wasn't something I was incapable of doing, but with other things on my mind I can firmly say it wasn't at the top of my priorities list. Not really caring about much a few random acts of stupidity and feeling lost, angry consumption of beverages and smoking followed. Uni nights out seemed to be the same. Me winding myself up so much and getting stressed at nothing. My closest friends tried to rally me and try and lift me from the ground. I'm so glad to have a great bunch of people who actually do have my best interests in mind. As I speak now one has commented on my Facebook status and even though I may have been under the influence of alcohol his attempts on many occasions to make me see things in a better light were in fact truly inspirational.

I felt better but then someone then gave me that yank to an upright position, that breath of fresh air and lease of life which was overly due. With all these great people around me and encouraging words from all directions  and a few meetings with my course leader later, I decided that it was time to stop moping about. No one could do it for me besides me. This first post is for you all that were there for me in whatever commodity through that downfall. You truely are my friends!

Fast forward a few months and I did complete my degree in Sports Coaching, I'm a graduate, ok, I may have only got a 2:2 but after the events I had been through at an important time in my degree, I was more than happy. I also had a new addition to the clan. A person that was there in the distance, but now is very much in the forefront of my life. A person I am glad was willing to take a leap and put their trust in me, a person who I think wasn't sure about me at first but went against all the warning signs and took a chance and I am so happy that she did :-) My summer has comprised of a few games of footy with mates, the odd birthday celebration, a couple of wild Blackpool nights out, the start of the football season and mainly work coaching on a soccer camp between looking forward and counting down the days until I get to see my prettyful girlfriend.

So what's next?
Well in September I'm continuing my educational adventure. A masters degree at Chester University in an area which I believe I have a bit of potential. A sports science degree doing Performance Analysis, a la Monday night football. (BRING BACK KEYS AND GRAY!) Basically I want to work with fact. Not peoples biased opinions on how football matches unfolded but statistics which actually occurred, and paired with my coaching experience hope eventually I will be able to make a living from the game I love.

Well I suppose I have rambled for a little while now and don't wish to fizzle out too quickly leaving myself nothing to 'blog' about. Hopefully it grows and I will get a few more posts on here over the coming weeks and months and who knows maybe further. So here it goes, wish me luck, a new book, a new story, a blank page, THE NEXT CHAPTER.....

Ciao x